2/22/20 is a date that is etched into my skin. It is the third most important date to me, after the birthdates of my kids. 2/22/20 was a little like my rebirth.
On this day, something magical happened. After a lifetime of living to make everyone around me happy, I was ready to make myself happy. I was ready to live authentically. I was ready to love myself. I was ready to be the me I wanted to be instead of being the me everyone else wanted me to be. I knew I was in for a long, challenging journey, but I was ready. I was excited, and I was terrified.
It's hard to explain how or why I made this decision. It was as if someone grabbed me, gently shook me, and said, "It's time for you to live your life now. You know what to do" I felt like I woke up from dreamland, and I was aware of things I never before recognized. I took a step back, catalogued my life, and realized I needed to make some drastic changes.
My journey started with the decision to give up alcohol. Wine had become my post-kid bedtime friend, which was affecting my quality of sleep and reducing much-needed clarity. I didn't want this type of friend in my life anymore. I didn't put an end goal on my decision. I thought it was going to be for a few months while I navigated some other life changes, but as of today, 1/18/2024, it has been nearly four years since I have had any alcohol.
My decision to give up alcohol coincided with my decision to end my marriage. I had two small children who deserved to see their mom happy, and I had not been happy in years.
And then, COVID hit. This catastrophe put a major wrench in my plans, but I still stayed on track as best as I could. I took the time to assess every part of my life to ensure I was feeling supported on this journey. I worked with my incredible therapist. I leaned heavily on my friends who I knew would have my back during this transition. I avoided people who were judgmental, asked the wrong questions, or tried to talk me out of my decision. I practiced more yoga, I ran, I focused on my breathing, I read, I wrote, and I paid attention to the feeling in my gut. If my stomach felt off, or if my body didn't feel good, I knew I was on the wrong path or in the wrong company. I became very good at avoiding or removing things, people, places, and even songs that didn't make me feel good.
As the world navigated the beginnings of COVID, figuring out what our new normal would be, I tried my best to not veer from my intended path. But I was challenged time and time again: my industry plummeted, my company laid off nearly 50% of its agents and I was worried I was next, I debated whether to pull the kids out of daycare, I scrambled to find side hustles fearing I would be out of work, all while trying to keep a sense of normalcy for the kids.
Not only did I survive my company's layoffs, but I was also one of the only agents left in my territory, so when the market bounced back, and it did with a vengeance, I not only had work, but I had too much of it, which was a good problem to have. I was grateful I had a job, I was grateful I didn't pull the kids out of daycare, I was grateful I didn't need a side hustle, and I was grateful I was managing all of this without alcohol.
I ultimately separated in June, in the middle of the COVID lockdown. I coordinated movers, by myself, I moved small items, by myself, I set up my new house, by myself, I came up with a financial plan, by myself, and in the middle of all of this, I had my biggest month in business ever with 19 pending deals at once and 16 closed sales.
I was so grateful. And I was still alcohol-free.
My decision to leave my marriage was not an easy one. And it was not a decision I made on a whim on 2/22/20. It was not a surprising decision. It had been discussed before, and it was time, we both agreed.
The decision to give up alcohol, the decision to leave my marriage, the move to a new house, and the reflection on who and what I want in my life was the beginning of a journey I was excited to be on. For the first time, I was ready to prioritize myself so I could be the best mom for my kids. That was my focus. They are my why.
I envisioned how difficult this journey would be, but not in the way I am living it.
I have had many setbacks, which raise doubts and insecurities, but I am still alcohol-free, and my kids see me smiling and laughing more often than they see me crying. They say, "Mommy, you never cry," so I will try to cry more so they know it is okay to cry!
I have become at peace with not being married anymore. I have found solace in my alone time. I have rediscovered my passions. I have traveled. And I have found my best friend: ME. I am my favorite person to travel with, dine with, and just be with.
My jettisoning journey has been profound and has resulted in tremendous growth, which I am grateful for. Every day, I recognize how difficult this journey has been and will continue to be, but if it weren't for this journey, I wouldn't be the strong, capable, talented, kick-ass human I am today. I am thankful for the path I am on, and I am eager to continue on this path...forever.
Thank you for reading!
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